The Founder’s Vidui
What ancient prayers and modern mistakes can teach us about letting go
Hi friend,
I didn’t mean to send you a letter today, but it just flew from my fingers to my keyboard and… to you. So here we go. (We’ll go back to my book story next time.)
As you may know, I grew up Ultra Orthodox, and Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day Of Atonement, loomed large. It was both the ultimate cleansing, purifying feeling, and also this deep threat at the pit of your stomach - that something bad may happen if you don’t atone for your sins in time or thoroughly enough. Side note: if you’re a Leonard Cohen fan, you may know Who By Fire closely follows the prayer ונתנה תוקף “Unetanneh Tokef” prayer we recite in Yom Kippur.
I was a deeply feeling, constantly question-asking young girl (yes it started back then), and I was very lucky to have a few teachers who weren’t alarmed by questions (a rarity in the ultra orthodox education system). One lesson by one of these teachers still deeply resonates. She broke the cycle of prize vs punishment by speaking of atonement not as something we do to appease a raging, vengeful God, but as a deeply personal process we go through to appease ourselves.
She asked: Do you believe you deserve forgiveness? Can you imagine a world where you let go of your anger or guilt and make peace with yourself? Can you make space for God to forgive you? External forgiveness can only happen when you do the work with yourself.
To this day, I‘m not sure if this is what she meant to teach or if this is just what I heard, but I don’t think that matters. As a young girl who tended to internalize my anger and only direct it to myself, it was meaningful.
This year, I read The Diamond Cutter, by Geshe Michael Roach and Lama Christie McNally. In a nutshell, “With a unique combination of ancient and contemporary wisdom from Tibetan Buddhism, The Diamond Cutter presents readers with empowering strategies for success in their personal and professional lives.” Reading this book has made a few concepts which I now understand have already been prominent in my life really land and come home.
One of the results of reading this book has been that I created an “Integrity List”, a list of instances and people where I feel I’ve had “integrity leakages” even as someone who considers herself pretty ethical. When I told one of my good friends and my partner (who’s also my best friend) about this, they were both deeply alarmed at first. They thought I was punishing myself or experiencing a guilt trip. But I assured them this was not the case. I have so much compassion, forgiveness, and love for the Vivi who has experienced or did all of those things: I see her fear, her overwhelm, her good intentions, and also her exhaustion, her frustration, her anger, among other feelings, emotions, and sensations. I also know that for many people, many of these won’t seem even as mild integrity leakages, let alone transgressions. But for me, for me it’s about something else.
It’s about being able to bravely, clearly, and lovingly communicate with myself and say: “Yes, I see this. I acknowledge this. This one thing wasn’t ideal. Here’s a place where I wasn’t true to my values, here’s an instance where I lied or treated someone in a way I wouldn’t have liked to be treated. Here are some instances where I didn’t treat myself right. I acknowledge them. I see them. I sit with them. I will do what I can to reach closure (which can vary from case to case), and in the same breath, I let go of them; they are no longer my business. I take responsibility, and I let go of guilt.”
And if I’m honest? That’s what the Yom Kippur וידוי (confession) is all about (to me! doesn’t mean that’s the universally accepted interpretation).
I don’t know if this resonates at all, but if so, I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings. Wishing us all גמר חתימה טובה; may we all be sealed in the book of the living and only give life and abundance to each other and unto the world.
5 things I forgave myself for as a founder this year:
Being scared as shit from going on this ride again (it’s my 5th time as founder in 18 years and the one that feels most true, most fun, and hence most scary)
Making a $3K mistake and then not making the most out of it
Fcking up my website just before a launch (I made a stupid mistake and then doubled down with enablemnt by ChattyG)
Loaning money I sorely needed for my biz to someone and not being assertive enough when they didn’t return it (I prefer mistakes that are rooted in generosity)
Taking on just one project of the kind I promised myself I wouldn’t take anymore (and that’s how the idea for the Unshrinking Workbook came to life)
In the Jewish tradition, I’ll take this moment to tell myself (and you if you’d like it):
Forgiven
Forgiven
Forgiven
This coming year, may we have more:
Generosity
Abundance
Confidence
Money
Expansiveness
Travel
Joy
Fun
Enthusiasm
Silliness (yes, also in biz)
Purpose
Calling
Rest
Peace
Camraderie
May it be so. It is already so.
Much love,
Chedva x
ps. End the war. Bring the hostages home. Feed Gaza. Elections now.